Question: “Approximately how long does it take most people to accept they are gay in order to be ready to come out? I’m still struggling with totally accepting it.”
I know that you want a definitive answer to this question, brave questioner. Wouldn’t we all like to have a timetable for such a complicated and messy process? But the real answer is as varied as there are people in the world.
While you might think that being accepted by others is the main project of coming out, self-acceptance is truly at the heart of it all. It doesn’t matter one bit what others think of you if you are not comfortable in your own skin.
How long does this take? Well, for me it took about 40+ years for me to accept that I am gay. For others, it might take 20 years. Or 15 years. Or 60 years. Or never.
I think the real heart of your question is not how long it takes, but what you can do to further your self-acceptance. Your gayness is not going to go away, so here are some ways that you can embrace it and further your coming out process:
- Say the words: I cannot stress enough how important this is. Whether you identify as gay, lesbian, bi, or queer, say the words to yourself. Say them to your smiling face in the mirror each morning when you wake up. Say them when you’re in the car by yourself in traffic. Sing them to yourself! Celebrate this new reality, and get one step closer to self-acceptance.
- Let go: In order to make room for the new, you have to get rid of the old. Let go of old dreams, old notions of what your life is or will be like, old patterns. Let go in order to make room for this new life that you are creating for yourself.
- Appreciate your progress: When you’re down and feeling stuck, take a look at what you’ve accomplished so far. Coming out to yourself is a big deal even if you’re still struggling with self-acceptance. You’ll take the next steps when you’re ready.
- Set realistic goals and deadlines: Don’t think that you need to come out to yourself, your family, your friends, and your co-workers all in the same week. These things take time. Make sure you give yourself plenty of time for each step along the way so that you can process everything. Of course, some goals and deadlines are good if you need a little incentive to stop stalling.
- You are the only you you’ve got: You are precious, unique and amazing! Being gay is but one facet of your awesome self. Know that you will not be any less precious by coming out–in fact, the opposite is true. Being your true self is a gift to you and also a gift to the rest of the world.
“The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.” ~Anna Quindlen
Leave me a comment and let me know if you are struggling with self-acceptance or if you have advice for others struggling. I’d love to hear from you!