Hi, I’m Andrea Hewitt, a late life lesbian who came out in her mid-forties. This is the blog that I wish I had found when I was coming out a few years ago. There’s almost nothing out there about women coming out later in life, so I decided to write it myself and help others in the process. Hey, we’re here, we’re queer, and we’re fabulous & finally OUT!

I’m a mom of two who currently lives in Nashville, TN with my wife, Rachel.  I am committed to helping other gay women navigate the path to becoming their authentic selves–the harrowing parts, the joyous parts, and everything in between!

Enjoy exploring posts on the right-hand side. Click on the topics to find resources and my experiences on every aspect of coming out later in life.

If you don’t see a topic that I’ve covered or you have a question you can’t find an answer to here, please send me an email (latelifelesbian@gmail.com) or leave me a comment below. I love hearing from readers!

I run a lively Facebook support group of over 1500 women from all over the world that you can request to be added to. Send me an email (latelifelesbian@gmail.com) with a little bit about yourself and why you want to join the group. Also, let me know what email address you use for your Facebook account (if it’s different from the one you use to email me).

I look forward to helping you on your journey to authenticity!

42 thoughts on “Welcome!

  1. heidi

    I’m in such turmoil……..I am a 36 year old mom of twin 9 month old girls and separated from my husband 3 months ago. I met a woman 6 months ago and developed strong feelings…and then we began dating after I separated from my husband. She and I have a great relationship and care deeply for each other. But I just broke up with her b/c I am finding myself missing and longing for my husband. He recently signed the separation agreement and told me he was selling our wedding rings. I cried hysterically and begged him not to and asked if we could hold off on signing the separation agreement because I can’t decide whether being in a gay relationship is worth losing my family and especially losing time from my girls (we split custody 50/50). Side note, my husband and his family are the only family I really have and I love them so much. I am spinning in circles….a big part of me wants to reconcile with him and restore our family but another part of me wants to be openly gay and go back to my girlfriend. I care for her very much but I am scared that she and I will never have the strong/healthy/ functional relationship like I had with H. Plus, her family is rather awful (not very loving) and she has a bit of a troubled past b/c of her messed up family. But she is so warm and loving with me. I feel like I need to take the safe road and go back to my H b/c I do genuinely love him and know it will be easier to raise our girls together…though obviously I’ll have to sacrifice a part of myself….I just can’t decide how much of a sacrifice that would be b/c I’d have so much to gain (family, being with the girls…)?????

    Could IVF and PREGNANCY HORMONES be a huge factor in all of this coming to a head? I never thought about leaving my H before IVF. I always felt so strong and confident in our relationship (except sexually). He was my absolute best friend, but I knew there was something missing. I always dismissed it b/c everything else was so wonderful. But going through IVF and being pregnant really changed things. I was open with him about my process of questioning my sexuality. I also went to therapy. When I left H, I felt so confident that I was doing the right thing and felt liberated!! However, as time passed I began feeling more regret and missed him very much. This also coincided with stoping breast feeding….so could hormones have played a role in my identifying as gay and then the lack of them contributing to me wanting to go back to H? For years, I had fleeting thoughts about whether I was gay b/c I did not get much sexual gratification from being with H, but I blamed it on my low libido. Also….I previously dated a women (15 years ago) and was madly in love with her. I always new that I felt more attraction to women and openly identified as bi. I am happy and proud to love women, but I am very shameful that I destroyed my family and the fear and regret of losing H is destroying me.

    I FEEL SO DESPERATE and LOST!! I hate losing time with my girls and feel like I need to make a decision…..fight to restore my relationship with H or cut ties and focus on being gay??? I also miss her and she is head over heals for me. WHAT’S A GIRL TO DO?????

    Any words of wisdom or advice is greatly appreciated.



    1. Kimberley

      I am in my late 30s and was always attached to a woman but tried the married thing but i never liked men and my marriage didn’t work because I was living a lie but back in the spring i went on a business trip with a very sexy coworker she noticed i was starting at her a lot and one night she asked me if I like her and my face turned red and i was stuttering trying to explain myself but she just smiled and said you answered yes to my question we ended up spending a week in eachothers arm and i went home and asked for a divorce the rest was history and it was all my dreams come true I gave in to my desire and it changed me forever i haven’t looked back since i love being the real me

  2. Hi, H: Wow, you really have so much going on in your life right now! As a mom, I can understand how complicated it is having children and trying to provide the best for them, but also trying to be true to yourself. I struggled with many of the same feelings you did while I was raising my kids, and in my coming out journey. You say that you have been in therapy, and I would encourage you to give it another try. I am so grateful for the wonderful therapists who have helped me through my rough times, and it sounds like you need someone who can listen to all that you are going through right now and who can help you sort out the best path for you to take. Feelings of loss for your old life are common when making such a big change, but you can explore with a therapist if this is just a bump in the road or if you’d truly be happier going back to your husband. Good luck sorting all of this out and know that there are many of us here who have made the transition to the other side if that’s the path you choose!

  3. Terance Allen

    Well, my Friend, you and I have known each other for YEARS!! I read your post, first out of curiosity mostly because didn’t know this about you, but then as I read on more and more, my curiosity reading transitioned more towards supportive reading and then admiration. I’ve always considered you a very good friend even though years have passed since high school and even longer since our first meeting in grade school, I have some pretty fond memories of the “girl with the ruffled hair”. I say all of this to say that you’re my girl, Andrea, and I will always be in your corner. Coming out shouldn’t be such a traumatic experience if people would simply remember one thing: Never to judge others. Instead, be supportive and loving. Being straight, I have no idea of the courage it takes to “come out”; all I can is respect you for find that courage and ACTING upon it in that self realization moment where you realize that in order to truly be happy with yourself, you have to simply BE YOU. As for me, you will always have a friend no matter what and I applaud you for making this step in LIFE. I will forever be in your corner for support.

  4. DeAnna

    Hello Andrea, my partner and I are “late life lesbians” (lol…so many labels). She has two adult children and I have one heading to college. Our problem is, finding lesbians, in relationships or married, who have interest similar to ours, to socialize with. We have friends in Atlanta but here, in Nashville, the lesbians we know are younger and often single. Gay bars are not our style. We are older, semi-retired and miss the coctail parties, golf days and traveling with our old friends when we were in our hetero relationships. Anyway, I thought you might have some suggestions for us older “newbies”😊

    1. Hi, DeAnna–thanks so much for your comment! In Nashville in particular, I would suggest signing up for the Connecting Nashville Lesbians (CNL) Meetup group. It’s a great group that’s focused more on social activities for lesbians of all ages, single or partnered. Lots of social events, outdoor activities, cultural events, etc. Also, you might considering volunteering for groups like TEP (TN Equality Project) or Out Central (LGBTQ community center). And finally, you might want to get connected via social networking such as the LGBTQIA Nashville Facebook group and the Nashville Les Bos group. Both are active, and there are real-life events planned where group members can socialize, too. Good luck finding your community in Nashville!

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  11. Julie Ann cook

    Hi, I just turned 40 in January. I left my husband 3 yrs ago bc we just weren’t in love anymore after 15 yrs. I have always been attracted to woman, even had I guess you could call it a fling for 3 months with an older woman when I was 17, but I never thought I would be spend my life with a woman nor marry one. I was raised Catholic but even though my mom wasn’t she still told me something was wrong with me, so I never really pursued it again. I had my fist son at 19 and was alone except for my mother’s help and then this guy came into my lice and thought okay he is the one….we are still friend’s 18 yrs later but for the past year I have spent my life with a woman and I could never be happier. I have had to go through a lot bc I live in a small town and not only did my ex & I separate in this town, we stayed friend’s and no one understood that, then I get with a woman and she is 15 yrs younger then me and is related to half the town. The minute I saw her that night, I wanted to know who she was, where she came from, what she was about and nothing else mattered to me….It will be a yr next month and I am still in shock, she still gives me flutterbies and chills and she still melts my heart in ways I can’t even explain…I have never been so in love and I have never felt someone love me the way she does!!!!

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  16. Tracey

    I’m 32 and married with a little boy. I don’t even know where to start my story. I met a girl at work a lot younger than me she was in a really bad place and we became friends at first I just wanted to help her we spoke constantly. I went away for my wedding anniversary and I actually cried leaving her for two days whilst I was away I did nothing but think of her and message. I woke up on the Sunday morning to screenshots she’d sent in the night from a conversation between her and her ex I couldn’t breathe. I really liked her. We came home that night and she came round she was crying at feeling so messed up by her ex and we cuddled I have never felt butterflies like it. For weeks we messsged and I tried to tell her I liked her but the age gap made me hold back nevermid I was married with a child. Weeks went on and one Friday night I got drunk and whispered I don’t know about you but I don’t hug friends like this. There were a lot of tears and conversations the day after between us. We are now together and I’m still married I’m trying to save so I can leave. But right now I feel so alone in all this my girlfriend is amazing but like I said younger than me and I need to talk to someone who has been through this. I feel like I don’t know how to act around other lesbians like what’s too much, what do I refer to myself as we are meeting another gay couple next week her best friends they know about me and my situation I’m so anxious. We are a very cuddly couple but is that acceptable in front of her friends can I put my arm round her or kiss her. My head is upside down. Am I allowed to refer to myself as gay. I just need someone to talk to who understands all these feelings. If anyone has time to message I’d be eternally gratefully xx

    1. Michelle

      I honestly could have written most of this! I am 32 with 2 small children and am in love with a beautiful woman and my husband has no idea. I hope everything has worked out for you

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  21. tabitha

    I am new to the site and grateful to have found you! I am 36 and coming out – AGAIN!!!! I knew that I liked women from the age of 7, and came out to my family when I was 15 – well, it was a lot more complicated for me and I ended up pregnant from a one night stand when I was 21, and now – 4 children later and the oxytocin has finally left my system, I’ve remembered who I am – and am wanting to take back my life while honoring the AMAZING man that I married and cares deeply for me. I truly love him – but – I LOVE women and want to live a life that is sexually fulfilling and on my own terms. There is so much more to the story, but I am excited to find your site and to read around a bit. Thank you for putting all of this out there. It is so important for me to know that I am not alone!

  22. Christine Ashley

    Hi my name is Christine Ashley. I am almost divorced and 44 years old. I have a girl friend that I adore. My son and my sons father knows. I have a hard time understanding how I didn’t know I was attracted to wemen but now I love the attraction and the intimacy with wemem. I never looked forward to sex with men including my sobs father. I am trying to be comfortable in my own skin. I don’t fedl like I belong in the straight community or the lgbtq community. Suppirt is hard to find.

  23. Vanessa Cribb

    Hi, Vanessa here, who came out to her husband of 17 years a year ago after my father died of cancer. I knew I was gay but the late in life confidence and maturity helped me come out and the grief over my father made me realise how important it is to life live as your true self as we are here for a short time and should make every moment count.
    I am struggling to meet other women and feel extremely lonely, however, my 3 teenage kids seem to have coped with the 50/50 care split. Any advise would be wonderful – thank you all v x

  24. Brenda

    Hi. I am 52. I’ve been married and divorced twice. Been single for quite a few years now. I’ve dated a few guys and am currently seeing a man for almost a year now. A few months ago I got in touch with a girl from high school. She is gay. We have been talking everyday now for weeks, sometimes we talk for 3 or more hours at a time. I have since become really attractive to her and my feelings are something I haven’t ever felt. We have so so much in common. We laugh, joke around, but have really serious talks as well. She lives 4 hours away and I’m going to see her for the 4th and spend a few days with her. I have a 17 yo daughter and son is 21. I haven’t said anything to my boyfriend as of yet that I’m having feelings for another woman. I excited, scared, confused…so many emotions going on right now.
    I have like other straight women do I think, fantasized about other women. I’m not sure what is going on right now. Why would I be having these feelings for a woman now? I have no idea what to do. I love my boyfriend but I don’t think he is wanting to marry me anytime soon.

  25. Lost in Life

    I am 44 years old and recently started having feelings for a woman who I have been “dating” for two years now. I have been married for 16 years, have four wonderful children and a grandson (and granddaughter on the way). My husband has been extremely patient and supportive. While I have days upon days of still being confused, I find myself still wanting to be with my girlfriend. I have a long history of abuse starting from a very young age. It all started when we lived with my grandparents and my grandfather abused me. I was 9 years old! It brought on so much shame and guilt, shame that I was allowing it to happen and didn’t speak up and guilt because as a child it felt okay. It didn’t stop there. When I was 12 my neighbor (14yo) started to make advances towards me and again I let it happen. Then our adult neighbor whom I used to babysit for answered the door one day and exposed himself.
    At a very young age I started to find it difficult to with boys, because I never felt that I was wanted for anything other than their toy. I had one serious relationship with someone when I was 16, but it took me until I was 18 to ever become sexually active with him. Then I ended up pregnant. I stayed with my ex for 8 years and when our second child was 3, we went our separate ways. I struggled day after day to be accepted by some guy, any guy. I just wanted to feel comforted. My now husband and I met at work. We started dating, even though I knew it wasn’t me he wanted to be with, but my friend who was in a relationship. After a couple years of being “FWB” with my husband, often crying time after time once we we’re finished, and another man taking advantage of me, I thought I was past all that. After a short time, I ended up pregnant yet again. I was a single mom, living with my mom due to my ex leaving me high and dry with two kids, and then, here I was making the same mistake I had made before. I will say, I would NEVER trade it for the world. I loved being a mom, but also knew this time I had to do what was expected and get married. So, we got married when I was 5 months pregnant. There were days where the abuse has taken control of my happiness and it is a constant struggle. The abuse has affected my sexuality with men and until just recently I never knew how bad it was. I have been living this life, a life of lies when it comes to what I’ve never really felt. I married my best friend and had two kids with him. I married him for better or for worse. And I married him with no intention of ever hurting him … All of which have been lies that I have had no control over. My relationship with my GF has been amazing and I feel comfortable, I feel whole, I feel “normal”. All of which I have struggled with all my life. But where I am now has left me also feeling lost, alone, scared, ashamed. What I really want is to find peace with who/what I’m meant to be.

  26. Jennifer

    Hello, i’m 46 and I became a widow almost 3 years ago. I was with him for 22years. I repeatedly told him I was not in love with him and he seemed fine with it. I was raised in a very abusive catholic home. I was 15 the first time. I was in a mental facility because of the abuse and there she was. Of course she never noticed me so I dismissed it and vowed to never let that happen again. So I went after men because I didn’t have to deal with emotions and that’s what I was supposed to do. I ended up pregnant from a one night stand and refused to give it up when though u was only 16. While 8 months pregnant I met a man and fell hopelessly in love and to some degree I still love him 30 years later when though we were apart for 20+ years. We ended up having a child together then drifted apart. I met my husband shortly after. I decided I wasn’t gay and that it was a laughing phase sense I fell in love with my daughters father but also decided to give up on love as it hurt to much. I married my husband and we were together 22 years. It was loveless and miserable but I made a commitment and I had to stand by it. The last few years I started to take care of myself sexually and started looking at porn but traditional porn did nothing for me. I came across girl on girl porn by accident and that’s all it took. I met this amazing woman at my job and wre became good friends. I went into therapy and started questioning my sexuality. Well I finally accepted that I was gay and I was in love with this friend. A few months later I told her. She was like I love you but not in that way. Thankfully our friendship was strong enough that we are still friends 16 yrs long. It was hard at first but I learned to love herin a way that she was comfortable with. Well my marriage ended violently when I tried to leave my husband and he died. My daughter’s father came back into my life I decided to give the smoldering love another try. Well I ended up cheating on him with a woman and now i’m totally torn. I’m loyal to a fault so when he said he wanted to try and work things out I dumped what was the most amazing woman I’d ever met. Well now I have neither because he decided he couldn’t trust me anymore and she moved on even though she told me yesterday she still loved me and would bump the woman she was with if I just asked her to. I can’t do that though. I couldn’t be the cause of their breakup. Gay women never give me a second look. I have PTSD and anxiety from my marriage. I don’t know how to get out there and be true to myself. I’m second guessing my every thought and feeling. WOW! I’ve wanted to get that out for a while now. I’m sorry you can delete if not appropriate. I was sent to this blog because I mentioned that I was in need of guidance like maybe a mentor.

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  29. Amber

    I’m in awe reading all of these stories and being able to relate completely. I’m married, have been for 24 years and we’ve been together for 27! I’m 44, got married young at 20. I have ALWAYS liked girls since I was little. My mother confronted me after she found a note I wrote to my friend when I was like 12, asking if she wanted to mess around “again” when she spent the night. I was so afraid when my mother confronted me that I denied what she was implying. I made up some story about messing around, playing with our kid toys. 🙄 I then just started hiding my interest in girls as best as I could. In High School, I fell in love with my girl best friend and we had a relationship, while not knowing that we were “having a relationship” because we would spend every waking moment together like best friends do but I looked forward to our encounters at our sleepovers. Our freshman year, she fell for a boy and my heart was broken; silently. I became friends with another girl and we fell for eachother but when she told people at school, I was embarrassed and didn’t want to get teased like she was getting teased so I denied it. From that point on, I did what everyone else was doing… having a BOYfriend. I look back and feel horrible for what I did to her, I really liked her and I turned my back on her because I was afraid. ☹️😭 I then went through life “liking” boys. At least I think I liked boys, but I wasn’t sure. I never felt comfortable around them, but I just thought it was normal to feel that way, chalked it up to being nervous like anyone else when they are with someone new. I grew up in the 80’s & 90’s, you were either a lesbian, gay or straight. And if you were a lesbian, you were considered “butch” or “manly” with short hair and collared shirts. I wasn’t that, I was feminine, liked dressing girly, so I guess I wasn’t a lesbian, is what I thought. I followed my friends and the other girls and I had boyfriends. I tried telling my mother how I felt about girls but she always said “yes, girls like to explore, but that’s normal because you are close to your friends, but that doesn’t mean anything” I have even tried telling her as an adult that I think I’m a lesbian, or bisexual, and she thought I was ridiculous. I told her when I watch TV shows or movies, I find women so attractive. She said “well, I can see woman and think they are attractive too, but that doesn’t mean anything. “ she thought It was ridiculous that I was married, and having these thoughts. I have had crushes on women who are mom’s of the kids my kids play with. I gradually ended those friendships because I couldn’t handle hanging out with women I found attractive and wanted to be with but couldn’t. I have had a few encounters with straight women when we’d go our drinking or whatever, but I wanted more, I wanted to be in a relationship with them. My husband and I have been so distant for so many years, we aren’t intimate because I don’t want to be. He deserves to be happy and I believe I do too. I’ve always just felt like “this it, this is the life I chose and this is just the way it is and the way it’s always going to be”. Well, I’m done pretending. I’m done fighting against what feels natural to me; to be with a woman. The thought of being happy is thrilling. I’ve never felt true happiness, I don’t think. don’t even know what my future holds but I do know that I can’t live this way anymore and my husband deserves more, too. I need to find the courage to tell him. Our sons are 22 & 20, still live at home. We also have daughters that are 17 & 14. Still in High School. My 14 yr old came out to us this year and I was so envious that she is growing up in a time where she can be herself and be accepted by a huge community. I know, envy for my daughter, seems ridiculous. I’m just honestly jealous that she doesn’t have to suffer in silence the way I have. She has her whole life ahead of her to fall in love and be herself. I’m glad for her. Her courage has helped me find mine. Thank you for opening this website.

    1. Liz

      Hi, Your story resonates with me. I’m 46, have been with my husband who I love and respect since I was 20, have two kids, 15 and 17, and finally informed him I was gay in June. We’re not even sure where to go. He wants to stay together, says I am his one love, and a piece of me is heartbroken to have a life without him. He’s been my best friend and rock, truly the best human I’ve ever known, but now my true self calls to me so strongly. I’m currently back in school, so unemployed and dependent for at least a couple of years. I feel like I owe it to him and the kids to muscle through for a while, until things are stable, and reevaluate, but there’s a deep, gnawing discontent. Have you made any moves since your post? Just curious. Thanks for posting.

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