Welcome!

headshot1for_webHi, I’m Andrea Hewitt, a late life lesbian who came out in her mid-forties. This is the blog that I wish I had found when I was coming out a few years ago. There’s almost nothing out there about women coming out later in life, so I decided to write it myself and help others in the process. Hey, we’re here, we’re queer, and we’re fabulous & finally OUT!

I’m a mom of two who currently lives in Nashville, TN with my partner, Rachel.  I am committed to helping other gay women navigate the path to becoming their authentic selves–the harrowing parts, the joyous parts, and everything in between!

Enjoy exploring posts on the right-hand side. Click on the topics to find resources and my experiences on every aspect of coming out later in life.

If you don’t see a topic that I’ve covered or you have a question you can’t find an answer to here, please send me an email (latelifelesbian@gmail.com) or leave me a comment below. I love hearing from readers!

I run a lively Facebook support group of almost 900 women that you can request to be added to. Send me an email (latelifelesbian (at) gmail (dot) com) with a little bit about yourself and why you want to join the group. Also, let me know what email address you use for your Facebook account (if it’s different from the one you use to email me). I typically respond in a week or less, so your patience is appreciated!

I look forward to helping you on your journey to authenticity!

29 thoughts on “Welcome!

  1. heidi

    I’m in such turmoil……..I am a 36 year old mom of twin 9 month old girls and separated from my husband 3 months ago. I met a woman 6 months ago and developed strong feelings…and then we began dating after I separated from my husband. She and I have a great relationship and care deeply for each other. But I just broke up with her b/c I am finding myself missing and longing for my husband. He recently signed the separation agreement and told me he was selling our wedding rings. I cried hysterically and begged him not to and asked if we could hold off on signing the separation agreement because I can’t decide whether being in a gay relationship is worth losing my family and especially losing time from my girls (we split custody 50/50). Side note, my husband and his family are the only family I really have and I love them so much. I am spinning in circles….a big part of me wants to reconcile with him and restore our family but another part of me wants to be openly gay and go back to my girlfriend. I care for her very much but I am scared that she and I will never have the strong/healthy/ functional relationship like I had with H. Plus, her family is rather awful (not very loving) and she has a bit of a troubled past b/c of her messed up family. But she is so warm and loving with me. I feel like I need to take the safe road and go back to my H b/c I do genuinely love him and know it will be easier to raise our girls together…though obviously I’ll have to sacrifice a part of myself….I just can’t decide how much of a sacrifice that would be b/c I’d have so much to gain (family, being with the girls…)?????

    Could IVF and PREGNANCY HORMONES be a huge factor in all of this coming to a head? I never thought about leaving my H before IVF. I always felt so strong and confident in our relationship (except sexually). He was my absolute best friend, but I knew there was something missing. I always dismissed it b/c everything else was so wonderful. But going through IVF and being pregnant really changed things. I was open with him about my process of questioning my sexuality. I also went to therapy. When I left H, I felt so confident that I was doing the right thing and felt liberated!! However, as time passed I began feeling more regret and missed him very much. This also coincided with stoping breast feeding….so could hormones have played a role in my identifying as gay and then the lack of them contributing to me wanting to go back to H? For years, I had fleeting thoughts about whether I was gay b/c I did not get much sexual gratification from being with H, but I blamed it on my low libido. Also….I previously dated a women (15 years ago) and was madly in love with her. I always new that I felt more attraction to women and openly identified as bi. I am happy and proud to love women, but I am very shameful that I destroyed my family and the fear and regret of losing H is destroying me.

    I FEEL SO DESPERATE and LOST!! I hate losing time with my girls and feel like I need to make a decision…..fight to restore my relationship with H or cut ties and focus on being gay??? I also miss her and she is head over heals for me. WHAT’S A GIRL TO DO?????

    Any words of wisdom or advice is greatly appreciated.

    Warmly,

    H

  2. Hi, H: Wow, you really have so much going on in your life right now! As a mom, I can understand how complicated it is having children and trying to provide the best for them, but also trying to be true to yourself. I struggled with many of the same feelings you did while I was raising my kids, and in my coming out journey. You say that you have been in therapy, and I would encourage you to give it another try. I am so grateful for the wonderful therapists who have helped me through my rough times, and it sounds like you need someone who can listen to all that you are going through right now and who can help you sort out the best path for you to take. Feelings of loss for your old life are common when making such a big change, but you can explore with a therapist if this is just a bump in the road or if you’d truly be happier going back to your husband. Good luck sorting all of this out and know that there are many of us here who have made the transition to the other side if that’s the path you choose!

  3. Terance Allen

    Well, my Friend, you and I have known each other for YEARS!! I read your post, first out of curiosity mostly because didn’t know this about you, but then as I read on more and more, my curiosity reading transitioned more towards supportive reading and then admiration. I’ve always considered you a very good friend even though years have passed since high school and even longer since our first meeting in grade school, I have some pretty fond memories of the “girl with the ruffled hair”. I say all of this to say that you’re my girl, Andrea, and I will always be in your corner. Coming out shouldn’t be such a traumatic experience if people would simply remember one thing: Never to judge others. Instead, be supportive and loving. Being straight, I have no idea of the courage it takes to “come out”; all I can is respect you for find that courage and ACTING upon it in that self realization moment where you realize that in order to truly be happy with yourself, you have to simply BE YOU. As for me, you will always have a friend no matter what and I applaud you for making this step in LIFE. I will forever be in your corner for support.

  4. DeAnna

    Hello Andrea, my partner and I are “late life lesbians” (lol…so many labels). She has two adult children and I have one heading to college. Our problem is, finding lesbians, in relationships or married, who have interest similar to ours, to socialize with. We have friends in Atlanta but here, in Nashville, the lesbians we know are younger and often single. Gay bars are not our style. We are older, semi-retired and miss the coctail parties, golf days and traveling with our old friends when we were in our hetero relationships. Anyway, I thought you might have some suggestions for us older “newbies”😊

    1. Hi, DeAnna–thanks so much for your comment! In Nashville in particular, I would suggest signing up for the Connecting Nashville Lesbians (CNL) Meetup group. It’s a great group that’s focused more on social activities for lesbians of all ages, single or partnered. Lots of social events, outdoor activities, cultural events, etc. Also, you might considering volunteering for groups like TEP (TN Equality Project) or Out Central (LGBTQ community center). And finally, you might want to get connected via social networking such as the LGBTQIA Nashville Facebook group and the Nashville Les Bos group. Both are active, and there are real-life events planned where group members can socialize, too. Good luck finding your community in Nashville!

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  11. Julie Ann cook

    Hi, I just turned 40 in January. I left my husband 3 yrs ago bc we just weren’t in love anymore after 15 yrs. I have always been attracted to woman, even had I guess you could call it a fling for 3 months with an older woman when I was 17, but I never thought I would be spend my life with a woman nor marry one. I was raised Catholic but even though my mom wasn’t she still told me something was wrong with me, so I never really pursued it again. I had my fist son at 19 and was alone except for my mother’s help and then this guy came into my lice and thought okay he is the one….we are still friend’s 18 yrs later but for the past year I have spent my life with a woman and I could never be happier. I have had to go through a lot bc I live in a small town and not only did my ex & I separate in this town, we stayed friend’s and no one understood that, then I get with a woman and she is 15 yrs younger then me and is related to half the town. The minute I saw her that night, I wanted to know who she was, where she came from, what she was about and nothing else mattered to me….It will be a yr next month and I am still in shock, she still gives me flutterbies and chills and she still melts my heart in ways I can’t even explain…I have never been so in love and I have never felt someone love me the way she does!!!!

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  16. Tracey

    I’m 32 and married with a little boy. I don’t even know where to start my story. I met a girl at work a lot younger than me she was in a really bad place and we became friends at first I just wanted to help her we spoke constantly. I went away for my wedding anniversary and I actually cried leaving her for two days whilst I was away I did nothing but think of her and message. I woke up on the Sunday morning to screenshots she’d sent in the night from a conversation between her and her ex I couldn’t breathe. I really liked her. We came home that night and she came round she was crying at feeling so messed up by her ex and we cuddled I have never felt butterflies like it. For weeks we messsged and I tried to tell her I liked her but the age gap made me hold back nevermid I was married with a child. Weeks went on and one Friday night I got drunk and whispered I don’t know about you but I don’t hug friends like this. There were a lot of tears and conversations the day after between us. We are now together and I’m still married I’m trying to save so I can leave. But right now I feel so alone in all this my girlfriend is amazing but like I said younger than me and I need to talk to someone who has been through this. I feel like I don’t know how to act around other lesbians like what’s too much, what do I refer to myself as we are meeting another gay couple next week her best friends they know about me and my situation I’m so anxious. We are a very cuddly couple but is that acceptable in front of her friends can I put my arm round her or kiss her. My head is upside down. Am I allowed to refer to myself as gay. I just need someone to talk to who understands all these feelings. If anyone has time to message I’d be eternally gratefully xx

    1. Michelle

      I honestly could have written most of this! I am 32 with 2 small children and am in love with a beautiful woman and my husband has no idea. I hope everything has worked out for you

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  21. tabitha

    I am new to the site and grateful to have found you! I am 36 and coming out – AGAIN!!!! I knew that I liked women from the age of 7, and came out to my family when I was 15 – well, it was a lot more complicated for me and I ended up pregnant from a one night stand when I was 21, and now – 4 children later and the oxytocin has finally left my system, I’ve remembered who I am – and am wanting to take back my life while honoring the AMAZING man that I married and cares deeply for me. I truly love him – but – I LOVE women and want to live a life that is sexually fulfilling and on my own terms. There is so much more to the story, but I am excited to find your site and to read around a bit. Thank you for putting all of this out there. It is so important for me to know that I am not alone!

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