Once, I was just like you…

I’ve been catching up on posts on a website for married women who are attracted to other women. Reading the posts from newcomers always gives me such a sense of perspective. It seems like so long ago that I was in their shoes, but it was only about 3 years ago.

So, I decided to write to those women who are just starting out on this journey. You who are still married, but now discovering your attraction to other women. Or perhaps you have always known this about yourself, but you buried it so deeply that you hoped no one (including you!) would ever find it again.

I’m here to tell you: I was once just like you. Waking up every morning knowing that something was wrong, but not able to put my finger on exactly what it was. Being angry for no reason at the people in my life because I was so unhappy, but not ready to face why. Longing for connection to another woman, but scared to take that first step.

I remember the days leading up to that final realization, and then the fear afterwards, knowing that I had to change now–there was no going back. It was a mixture of exhilaration and dread that paralyzed me at first. What if I was making the wrong decision? How would I ever know for sure what the right decision was? How could I change my entire life over this?

Now, living my fabulous life with my girlfriend and partner of two years, it’s amazing to me that I ever could have accepted anything less. But if I could get in a time machine and go back to my 3 years ago self, here is what I would say to her:

  • Be kind to yourself: Sometimes, you just can’t have all the answers. But you can choose to have compassion for yourself. You’re doing the best you can right now.
  • Know that everyone’s timetable is unique: What seems like a slow journey to some may be just right for you. No one can tell when it’s the right time to make a decision to leave or stay in your marriage. No one can tell you that you’re moving too fast. You are the ultimate authority on what’s best for you.
  • Be thankful for each small victory: All of these small moments add up to something larger. Take comfort in each step of your journey, whether it’s coming out to a friend or finding a gay-friendly therapist.
  • It’s not a straight path (surprise!): You will have good days and not-so-good days. You may not know which way to turn on some days. Practicing listening to your inner voice and you’ll soon get much better at figuring out which turn to make.

I’m so grateful that I stopped pushing down and pushing away those feelings that I’d had my whole life, but chose not to follow. I’m finally living my authentic life, and I know that you will find your way to your true path on your own terms!

Leave me a comment and let me know what are the roadblocks that are causing you to stumble today. Maybe we can work together to come up with some answers for you!

10 thoughts on “Once, I was just like you…

  1. It took me 46 years to realize that I’m bi. The signs were always there, I just didn’t know how to see them. I can accept it now, but because I’m married to a man, I can’t do anything about it.

    1. Everyone is definitely on their own path. I hope that you find some peace with your situation and courage to do whatever it is you need to do for yourself, ellendolfan!

  2. Theresa Rupp

    I remember those days of being consumed by the constant wondering. I look back and see that I was much stronger than I could have ever imagined. I navigated my way to “the other side” at almost 50. It’s never too late. It was painful for sure. But OH SO WORTH IT. Thanks for your blog. You are an awesome writer!

    1. Thanks for your kind words, Theresa! It really is never too late to be your authentic self, is it? So glad you have found your strength and your happy second half!

  3. georgie horn

    Blogging about these personal moments is very courageous. Thank you for the wise words which can be used in any circumstance.

  4. bayoumel

    Melody here for the first time, live in rural Washington state….put here, away from my children, when I was sick from toxic mold in 2006 – by my EX who was “helping”. I lived in LA for the first 50 of my 58 years of life! Had a soul mate relationship after having left my music-book-writing obsessed ex husband of 16 years for a lovely Creole man, 19 years my senior. He died of a sudden heart attack 13 years ago, week before we were to marry. Abused by my Dad, who just passed at 97……. and sick and tired of men and their sort of “angular” or penetrating energy, I long for just softer, female, “circular” energy. Don’t particularly feel sexual at this point (used to be a goddess of open chakras beyond belief!!!) but feel DRAWN to women my age and older. Don’t get it yet, though I’m 58. Tired of the male energy thing, weird way to come to this, I know. Realize I love even looking at pics of heroic women I love – in music, the arts, etc. Prefer female music…. don’t have a clue as to what to do, when or how. Never varied from straight life, but always had radical ideas on other stuff – childbearing, raising, politics, psychic-ish, empathic, etc. What to do first……………..

  5. Emma

    I am struggling with severe depression following a nervous breakdown. I believe I am a lesbian, as I have always (since at least 16) fancied and fantasised about female celebrities and a few friends, but I am married and have two young children. I love my husband (he was my first sexual partner) and he is my best friend, but our sex life has become non-existent and he knows what I am struggling with. I can’t imagine living without him, but I don’t think I can live without knowing either. How do you know you are definitely a lesbian if you have never experienced it? He is being supportive and wants me to get better, but has basically said he is leaving once I have recovered. I don’t know if I can bare to lose him, but I don’t think I can keep lying to myself either.

  6. Kathleen

    I thought “coming out” was the right thing to do. I even came out about 6 years ago on National coming out day. All it did was add confusion to an already confusing situation, since I am still in my marriage. I think some days it has brought us closer, then I think some days it has changed us both in ways that could never be repaired. Once you’ve done it, there is no going back. Everyone knows. He knows, my kids knows, I’m pretty transparent if I’m asked. But I haven’t come out to his family. Not that we really talk anyway, but that is the one thing I haven’t and not sure if I ever will, since I can’t stand them anyway, so I really don’t need their acceptance! I have his and that is all that matters I guess. But on since his family is on social media and kind of too big to all block, I stay semi – anonymous. I hope someday to be at peace with this. No plans on leaving the marriage at present time.

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