Below is a short essay I wrote in Lisa Ernst’s Writing and Meditation Workshop offered by One Dharma on 2/15/14:
What touched me today was reading about the actress Ellen Page’s coming out and particularly watching the video on the Human Rights Campaign website. Here was this accomplished young actress speaking in front of a crowd–something I’m sure she has done many times before. You could hear the nervousness in her voice–the wavering and uncertainty.
But what I was most transfixed by were her hands. They were shaking so much that she had to hold them cupped together for almost the entire time. At one point, she let them go to make a point, and they were like tiny birds released, but still unsure of how high to fly.
About halfway through her speech when she finally said the words, “I’m gay,” and the audience stood and cheered for her, I thought, “Wouldn’t it be marvelous if everyone upon coming out had a cheering audience swelling with whoops of joy, mirroring back to you the terrifyingly awesome feeling of finally releasing your authentic self out of your mouth and into the world?”
It’s like watching a birth: the long wait and gestation before, the agonizing pains of labor, but then the deep knowing that there is no going backwards–in fact, what’s back no longer exists even–and you are propelled into a shiny, brand new, sparkling world that blinds you with its rightness. And you wonder how you ever lived in the dull past with you old, small, tightly-reined-in self.
Letting it all go–the expectations, the dreams of someone else for you, your own dreams that never quite fit no matter how you cut and sewed and re-sewed them–it’s the scariest thing ever. It’s tough enough to do that for yourself and your family & close friends privately, let alone on a widely-broadcast YouTube video.
But to live every day as authentically as you can–what a gift to yourself and the world! I could see the relief on her face when the words came out of her mouth. Naming ourselves, saying the words, and believing that you can say them and there will be a bridge to carry you to the other side requires such a leap of faith.
I remember testing out the words myself before I dared to speak them aloud to anyone. It felt like I had a tiny baby bird inside me–me, its nest–and it was time to push her out. Keeping her in the once-safe nest was no longer an option for that would only stunt her growth. I had to have faith that her wings were ready and strong enough to take on the world. It was her time to fly.
So happy for my beautiful friend able to live honestly and fly 🙂
Thank you so much, John! It’s with help from friends like you that I was able to do this. Very grateful for good friends!
Very nice, Andrea. And congrats on your new blog!
Thanks, Karen!
I so enjoyed your reading of this at the workshop on Saturday and look forward to sharing with my blog readers!
Thank you so much, Lisa! The workshop was very inspiring and fruitful for me. I look forward to the next one!
Very, very good……. and very encouraging. Everyone has their own journey…… with their own concerns and considerations….. but I’m so happy you are on happy terra firma!
Thank you, my friend! I appreciate your many years of support. Much love!
What a beautifully written piece! You never fail to impress, Andrea. It will be amazing when people dont have to come out any more because they won’t have to be closeted in the first place.
Teresa–thank you! And I agree completely. We aren’t there yet, but every step towards inclusion is a good one!
Yay for your new blog! More good stuff for me to read!!! And thank you for your usual eloquence pointed in this specific direction — this is important stuff, and it’s good to have your smart, funny self writing about it. Love you, A — and proud of you every day!!!
Claire: my sister girl! Thanks so much for the wonderful words of support–you’ve definitely been there from the beginning and I appreciate you more than you know!
Very beautiful, Andrea. Thank you for sharing this with the world.
You’re welcome, Jim! Thanks for reading.
I read your essay on Lisa’s blog and thought I’d just pop over here to say how much I liked it.
I like to think myself as not judgemental, but I have a friend who doesn’t fit the masculine or feminine stereotypes, and it was only by seeing the struggle in them that I’ve begun realising how much bias exists in me on the subconscious level, something which I must learn to understand and overcome.
Thank you for letting me read your lovely essay.
Kate
Thanks for reading, Kate! I think we all are tasked with confronting our own biases–they exist in all of us. I’m glad that my essay moved you to comment, and I hope to provide more thought-provoking content in future posts!
I love this line… “the deep knowing that there is no going backwards–in fact, what’s back no longer exists…” You inspire me, my friend. Keep speaking your truth. We’re listening.
Deb: always glad to be an inspiration! Thanks so much for reading and commenting!
Nicely written. It’s a beautiful thing to witness a person begin to, finally, let go of all that fear, and a shame they never deserved.
Kristin: thanks so much for reading the essay. I’m glad that it resonated with you.
I just read that you’re also working on a book! I’m excited for you, Andrea. I’m sure it’ll be a complex and rewarding journey for you. May you continue to find a wealth of support.
-“Zoe Fitzsimmons”
It’s Zoe! Haha–thanks for identifying yourself!
Y’all should come to Michigan this year, kiddo. All the good old gals from Sisterspirit – Kim, Birch etc., and occasionally Wanda, come and hang out together. And next year will be its last. Think on it. And as for your coming out, I’ve always known it was where you were going, I just hoped you’d manage to get there in time to enjoy it. Much affection, Marideth
Marideth: We talked about going to Michigan last year, but couldn’t get it together. It’s definitely on the radar now! Thank you for your comment and your friendship. And, yes, I finally got to where you knew I was going–thankfully, in plenty of time to enjoy it! Much love to you!
Hi, Andrea. Thanks for sharing yourself with us all. I certainly wouldn’t want to comment in any way that would lessen the spirit and direction of this blog, but I would like to say that I think that your perspectives on coming out are, at least for me, easily generalizable for any person who transitions in his/her life–especially those who move on the spectrum from less- to more authentic, as I feel I have in the last decade. There is no value that can be placed on an honest life, regardless of its direction. In the wake of such a transition, a person’s importance transforms from “worth” to WORTH, and the entire world benefits from one person’s growth. I love and respect you so much for being you, for moving through all of life’s challenges in a way that blesses those around you, and for living a genuine life. (And even better–your honest life is held up in the wonderful, strong hands of love, which endures all manner of crazy stuff.)
Mad, mad love, my sister. You’re my hero.
Scott: I absolutely think that living authentically includes everyone–it is not limited to those who struggle with their sexual identity. I’m so glad that this essay resonated with you that way! Big love to you, brother!
You’re really special, Andrea! I love your attitude and your wisdom. Hope to see you and Rachel at John and Ashley’s wedding!
Thanks for the support, James! Yes, we will be at the wedding. Looking forward to seeing you there!
You completely illustrate the living of a more authentic life in a beautiful, eloquent way. Congratulations on your freedom!